that one time...at bird camp

I had the incredible opportunity to attend bird camp this year in Leavenworth, WA with about 100 other wonderful Oiselle teammates. There aren't enough adjectives to describe this amazing experience and what it meant to me. So, rather than try to put all my thoughts in to writing, I'll use my pictures to tell the story.

Day 1 
Woke up bright and early to catch a flight out of Boston to Seattle. Rebecca and I got through security and headed to the gate, only to find out 2 minutes too late they had changed the gate. We watched our plane take off and spent some extra time in Logan waiting for the next flight.

see ya later Boston

We made it to Seattle in just enough time to take a cab to the new Oiselle store, speed shop, grab some food, and jump on a bus for a 2+ hour ride to Leavenworth.

scoping out the track through the bus window

I call the loft!

Sleeping Lady resort is beautiful

Day 1 ended with listening to the Haute Volee racing team, talking about goals, and what makes us feel powerful. My heart was full.

Day 2 

PT with Jay Dicharry

Goal setting with Lauren Fleshman and Adrienne Langelier

Jasyoga <3 

Sitting on a rock enjoying the most beautiful scenery. Trying to soak it all in.

birds take over the woods pre 5k

THIS girl <3 thanks for being a fabulous roommate and friend

<3

I love these women

This 5k would be the first and only time I actually got to run at camp. I had a very cranky IT band that only got worse during the race. Total bummer. 

Also important to note, I had a close encounter with a black bear and her cub about half way through the race. Terrifying but also kind of cool. Welcome to the woods.

Listening to Sally, Kristin and Heather talk about the team vision
and plans for the future. I'm so grateful to be a part of something so special. 

Day 3 (probably my favorite)

If you can't run...bike!

will stop for cows

this bike ride was one of the highlights for me

don't get views like this in the city

That afternoon we had the option of shopping, SUP, kayak, or float down the Wenatchee River in a tube. I chose to float. It was perfect. Post river float we went to Der Hinterhof for happy hour and apps. 

take me back

When we got back to the resort we gathered to listen to the hilariously funny Erin Ward AKA Jungle Chicken, Kayla from Girls Gotta Run Foundation, and Kristin Kirkland from Every Mother Counts. It was a fabulous day. 

Day 4

Most of the group went off to hike to Lake Colchuck. Given the state of my IT band, I chose to stay back and relax. I packed up my suitcase, went to fitness center, enjoyed nature's ice bath, spent many hours sitting by the pool, and listened to Lauren Fleshman serenade us with her guitar and beautiful voice. Did it all have to end? 

nature's ice bath

had to go back to this spot one last time...it was my favorite

the river was freezing, but oh so nice

Lauren and Erin rocking out

Later that night we were treated to a fashion show (no pictures allowed), some giveaways, and a gear swap. Many of us headed over to the grotto bar to share stories, have drinks, and reminisce about the days prior. 

Definitely wasn't quite ready for that one.

I stayed up way too late (with too many drinks) considering my early departure, but I didn't care. I was prolonging the inevitable end to one of the best experiences of my life. 

Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about bird camp. It feels like just yesterday yet so long ago at the same time. When asked about what makes me feel powerful, the first thing that came to mind was the Oiselle team. In a world where women are constantly tearing each other apart and trying to bring others down, these women build us all up, offer support, and never ending encouragement. I can't thank each and every one of them enough. 

Bird camp 2015, you far exceeded my expectations. 

  

#keepingitreal

Earlier this week I posted this picture on Instagram:

Underneath it I wrote, "as I look at this picture from a 5k a few weeks ago, I see someone who is 'too big.' I focus on all the parts I wish looked different. I'm trying so hard to accept my body as it is based on the daily decisions I make...because I am happy. Perfection doesn't equal happiness. But some days it's just so difficult to see past the flaws. #keepingitreal

Throughout the day I received notification after notification of people leaving the most encouraging comments about that photo and about me specifically. My heart expanded with gratitude and while I didn't respond to them individually, I read each and every one and thought a lot about the words being said. Strength, beauty, determination, and inspiring were common words in many of the comments. Many also shared similar thoughts and criticism of their own bodies...all of whom I see in the same words they used to describe my body. Why is it that we can see others as strong, beautiful, determined, inspiring...and maybe even wish our own bodies looked more like theirs. Yet, those same people have a hard time seeing that in themselves. Just as I have a hard time seeing those qualities when I look at that picture. I am fairly certain if the face on that body was someone else's, I would see the picture very differently. I certainly would not be critical of it and instead I would also celebrate its beauty, strength, and determination. 

That's f*cked up.

When I say I am trying hard to accept my body as it is based on the daily decisions I make, it's because I am well aware if I change the way I eat, count calories, and worked out even more, I could shed a few unwanted pounds. But I enjoy eating healthy 90% of time, and I enjoy relaxing with a glass of wine or staying up late on the weekends having a few drinks followed by a late night snack of whatever I can find in the apartment... unless I fall asleep on the couch first. I'm not sorry or ashamed to admit that. Going out to my favorite restaurant and enjoying wings at the bar with some cider makes me happy. Running 5 days a week so I don't feel guilty having said wings and cider makes me happy. Counting calories and overthinking every thing I eat or drink does not make me happy. I spent too many days of my life in the past doing those things and being a slave to the scale, to know it would not change my opinion of myself. Even at my thinnest, weighing 30lbs less then I do now, I never felt thin enough, and I most definitely was not happy. I was a slave to scale and the voices in my head telling me what I could and could not eat. It's not a path I ever want to find myself going down again.

So where does all this leave me? I'd say it leaves me on a much better path of continuing to work towards and find acceptance in myself for who I am, what my body looks like, and the things that make me happy. I really believe being open and transparent about my thoughts and this journey is important not only for myself but for all women who may be on a similar path. It's not an easy one to navigate, but it gets a hell of a lot easier knowing you have support and believing you're not alone.

xo

**Keeping it real was started by total badass, sister hero and amazing Oiselle teammate, Lauren Fleshman. You can read more about it here http://www.runnersworld.com/the-fast-life/lets-keep-it-real-about-our-bodies. It's worth it, I promise.** 

mind body and heart

Wow...it's been a while. I kept telling myself I would sit down and write something, but I never felt like I had much to say. I'm not sure that has really changed, but here I am anyways. This spring was a challenge for me. Even though my mind and my body was saying go, my heart was saying no. I thought I was heading in a good direction when I PR'd the 10 miler in April. That was fun. But when it came time to run the half marathon I had put in months of training for, I just couldn't find the fire.

May 24th I ran Boston's Run to Remember Half Marathon. It's one of my favorite races and was my goal race this spring. I had some ups and downs in the months leading up to the race, but I felt like I was on an upswing just at the right time to go for a PR. However, the morning of the race I woke up feeling very differently. I felt anxious and sad. Getting ready that morning was a struggle. I cried. More then once. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to run. I continued to get ready, got in my car with Ryan and sat there deciding what to do. Ultimately, I made the decision sitting in the parking lot of our apartment to go and run....with no pressure. I let go of the goal to PR, and instead focused on just having fun.

By the time we made our way through the lines of traffic, they had closed the road where the race started. I had to jump out of the car and quickly grab anything I could think of that I may need. I took my phone with me so I could hopefully find Ryan, but realized seconds too late that I had forgot to grab my chews. Oh well. There wasn't anything I could do about it so I made my way down to the starting area. I worked my way to the back of the crowd to find the porta-potties. Announcements and the American Anthem had started so I knew there was no way I would be able to make my way back through the crowd to start with others running my pace. So I stood and waited.

so many people in front of me

I got a message from Ryan saying he grabbed my chews (he's the best) and let me know where he was standing so I could get them. I was so far back in the crowd that when it was finally time for us to start running, all I could do was walk. Even if I wanted to weave my way around people, it just wasn't possible. I found Ryan, made a plan of where to meet after, grabbed my chews, and was on my way. Finally I was able to start running.

beautiful view to start the race

When my watch beeped after the first mile I looked down and saw a number close to 10:00. I had to laugh. Honestly, I just didn't care. I made it through another half mile or so and then decided to shut my watch off completely. The time didn't matter. It was a beautiful day and I was running around my favorite city. That was good enough for me.

Since I started so far back, I spent the entire race swerving around other runners. It was hot and I don't do well running in the heat. Since I wasn't running for time, I made sure to make my way to the side at all the water stops. Every few stops I was forced to come to a complete stop waiting for the volunteers to fill up the cups. Again, I just didn't care. While I was running, I actually felt great. I probably had more fun running a race that day then I ever have. I'm so thankful I decided to start that morning without the pressure of trying to run a PR, and for the sheer joy of running.

high on endorphins

After that race I took a week off to let my mind and my heart have the break it was clearly telling me I needed. Then I started easing back in with some lower mileage. The fire was being reignited and I was excited for a summer filled with shorter races and faster paces. However, I'm learning that the mind and body don't always cooperate. A week ago my hamstring started acting up. It tightened up after a hilly run on Wednesday and hasn't wanted to loosen back up. I tried to run a few times since when it started feeling better, only to make it worse again. Today is a better day, but I didn't run. I'm waving the white flag and taking the rest of the week off and I'll officially DNS my first race this weekend. It stings, but I know it's necessary. I made an appointment this weekend to see a sports massage therapist to hopefully get this straightened out. Unfortunately injuries come with the territory and there's not a whole lot else I can do beside rest, ice, stretch, and recover.

I'm very much looking forward to the day when my heart, mind, and body are once again in sync.

getting my groove back

I'm sure any runner who lives in New England would agree...this winter sucked. On top of the feet of snow and the freezing cold temps, I had a few weeks of random injuries and set backs. I was discouraged and feeling the winter blues. Then I took a trip to NY and then on to Philly to run the Love Run half marathon with only one goal. To have fun. Mission accomplished.

pre race hotel meet up

finishing feeling happy

Since the half in Philly running has started to click again. This week I've been hitting my paces and feeling strong once again. Here's a recap:

Monday: Rest

Tuesday: 5 easy miles 9:15 average pace

Wednesday: 1.6 mile warm up, 3 x 1200 (7:42, 7:40, 7:36 pace) w/ 3:00 jog in between, 1.77 mile cool down for 6 miles total. This run was a FINALLY moment for me where everything seemed to click once again. 

Thursday: 6 easy miles 9:08 average pace

Friday: Rest 

Saturday: 4 easy miles in NH 9:04 average pace. Holy hills! I'm not used to running in NH anymore so this run kicked my butt but felt amazing at the same time. 

when you're not used to running many hills, this feels like a mountain

Sunday: 8 miles total... 3 easy, 1 @ 8:04, 3 easy, 1 @ 8:01. Spring has finally sprung in Boston, and this run felt amazing in the warm sun. I spent a lot of time during this run thinking of the struggles throughout the winter and feeling very thankful I am once again feeling strong. Serious runner's high. 

What's next? Saturday I'll be racing the BAA 5k in Boston. I can't wait to run this race for the first time and am so excited Boston Marathon weekend is almost here! I think I can confidently say this horrible winter is finally a past memory. Feels good to be getting my groove back.   

catching up

Where did January go? I feel like I ask myself that question at the end (or beginning) of every month these days. It's been almost a month since I've posted anything, so here's a little recap of the year so far. 

January started off well. I was getting through most of my workouts and hitting the planned paces. I was feeling stronger and ready to race a 10k on the 25th. We had gotten some snow in the days leading up to the race, so the plan was to see what the conditions were like and if it was safe I was gunning for that PR. I got to the race early enough to get my bib and run a 1-2 mile warm up. The roads were a little slushy, but didn't seem icy. My legs and mind were in the right place and I was ready to go. 

go time

The plan was to go out for the first couple miles around 7:50-8. Then to work my way down from there. I felt strong from the start and miles were flying by. 

Mile 1: 7:50

Miles 2: 8:01

Mile 3: 7:52

When I approached the mile marker for mile 3 I noticed it said mile 4. Obviously I was confused. I assumed there must have just been some mistake and I tried not to focus on it too much. But then when I got to mile 4, the marker said 5. Now I was really unsure of what was going on. There had been no indication that the course had been changed. I knew I hadn't made a wrong turn so I had no idea what to think or what to do. So I kept running. 

Mile 4: 7:54

Mile 5: 7:40

A woman was standing near the mile marker at mile 5, which actually said mile 6. She yelled to me that I was almost to the finish. I asked her if they had changed the course and she put her hands up and said no, the finish is right up there. At this point I was frustrated, but still really confused. As I turned the last corner a guy who had finished was walking towards me and said something like you can give it all you got, the finish is right there. I could tell there was some frustration in his voice and expression as well. 

the finish line in sight...a mile sooner than expected

Final 0.2: 1:13 (7:11 pace) 

Finish time: 40:30 for 5.2 miles

When I crossed the finish line I could hear others who had finished before me questioning what happened.  The volunteers seemed clueless as well. I honestly thought there had somehow been an error when measuring the course and somehow an entire mile was missed. I couldn't think of any other explanation since no one had said anything about a change, and no once seemed to have any insight. I left feeling extremely annoyed because based on my time I was well within reach of a big 10k PR (current PR is 49:08). I was also frustrated because had I known I would only have been running 5.2 miles that day I would have changed my race plan accordingly and probably could have had a much better result. 

clearly annoyed

I emailed the race director when I got home, which I never do but I wanted her to be aware of what happened if she didn't know, and also wanted to know what the hell happened if she did! She informed me that apparently the police had changed the course at the very last minute due to icy conditions. I understand safety is number one, but it's really unfortunate that no one bothered to tell the runners at any point. It's still a bit of a sore spot for me. I'll definitely be looking for another 10k this spring so I can get my redemption. 

Since that race I've had a few setbacks that include something funky happening to my back after getting off the couch during the first of many snow storms we've been pummeled with in Boston. The other fun setback has been the snow. After taking a few extra days off to let my back get its shit together I spent a couple days running in the snow before breaking down and getting a gym membership so I could have access to a treadmill. 

had to put the snow tires on my Hokas

the first snow storm was fun...
every foot of snow since then, not so much

So I guess that about sums up the past few weeks. It looks like Boston will be under a blanket of snow for months to come at this point, so I'm trying to enjoy get through the treadmill runs until it's safe enough to return to the roads. 

Is it spring yet? 

Philly.

"You're not a true runner until you have a DNF under your belt" 

- Rebecca Trachsel, Oiselle teammate and friend

Well, after DNF'ing the Philadelphia Marathon, I guess that means I am now a true runner...according to Rebecca anyways. It's taken me a long time to find the motivation and the desire to write about what happened. I tried forgetting about it. I tried drinking tequila to numb the sadness. I tried looking on the bright side and focusing on what's ahead and not on what's in the past. But my mind keeps returning to those miles in Philly. Those miles that didn't go as planned. Those miles that lead me to the finish line of the half marathon, not the full. Those miles where I doubted everything, including myself. Those miles when my body felt like it was fighting against me. I wish I could go back and rewrite a different ending...but since I obviously can't do that, I'll write about what happened in hopes of being able to move on.

The weeks leading up to Philly went exactly as planned. Training was going great and I was feeling ready. I honestly believed I was going to cross the finish line and see 3:5x:xx on that clock. I believed I was capable (and still do). In the days leading up to the race I was feeling on edge. More so than usual before a big race. I was nervous, but excited. I had a million different thoughts and emotions running through me, and I just couldn't wait to get to that starting line.

in the midst of one of my freak outs
my incredible friend, Beth, sent this to me...
so thankful for friends who are always there to help when I need it most 

I left early on Friday morning to head to the airport where Stacey was already there waiting for me. Our flight took off at 6:30am and we were on our way to Philadelphia. Thankfully the flight wasn't full and I was able to move my seat to sick next to her. It was a quick flight and before I knew it we were landing in Philly. Danielle was there to pick us up and bring us back to her house where we would be staying for the weekend. 

Philly here we come!

Friday was spent hanging around, shopping, eating, and visiting the expo. Seeing the city helped change my nerves in to excitement. I could feel the energy and was excited to see more of the city on Sunday. It was on Friday that I started to notice a little feeling of fatigue when walking up the stairs in the subway stations and at Danielle's. It's a weird burning feeling in the muscles in my legs that I've felt before. I tried not to let it freak me out, and hoped by Sunday I would be feeling better.

Stacey and I after getting our bibs at the expo

By request, Saturday was perfectly low key. We relaxed on the couch for many hours of the day, went for a short run, then got ready to head to dinner with some other Oiselle birds who were running that weekend. It was so much fun seeing and chatting with some familiar, and some new teammates. After dinner we went back to Danielle's and I went to bed pretty early knowing Sunday morning would come quickly.

hanging with my legs up the wall trying to get 'em ready to run a marathon 

carbs, wine, water, and birds

Sunday morning my alarm went off around 4:30am. We planned to leave around 5:45 to get to the start, drop off our bags, use the port-a-potty and be ready to go by 7:00. My stomach was very uneasy all morning, but I chalked it up to race day nerves and hoped it would pass. I had decided to carry a water bottle with me and shoved my shot blocks and phone in the pocket. I've never carried a handheld during a marathon before, but thought I would give it a try. It was a cool, but perfect morning for a race. The temps were in the high 30's-low 40's. I wore my singlet, stride shorts, and gloves. I was cold waiting in the corral, but I knew I would warm up quickly. Just as the sun was coming up, it was time to go. 

waiting in the corral

Danielle was amazing and got up bright and early
to come to the start with us, ready to cheer

Stacey and I ready to go

My plan was to keep my pace around 9min miles for the first half or so and then depending on how I felt focus on holding that pace, or speeding up if I could. I was debating whether or not to wear my watch, but in the end I decided to wear it to keep myself from going out too fast. I kept an eye on my pace for the first couple of miles to make sure I was on track, then I switched the screen so I would only see the time of day. I didn't want to focus on what mile I was on or how many I had to go. A few miles in I started to feel a little cramp in my left side under my rib. Luckily, I don't usually have to fight with cramps, so this caught me by surprise. I tried to focus on my breathing, and trying to relax so hopefully it would go away. This cramp kept fighting to make its presence known. As a last resort, I ate a margarita shot block, thinking the extra salt might help? It did seem to help...at least until I felt another dull cramp creeping up on the other side. My stomach still didn't feel right either. I tried to switch my focus and look at everything around me, the crowds, the buildings, and knowing I would see Danielle at mile 6. 

Each time my watch would beep and display the pace, I would look at it to check to see if I was still on target. For the most part I was, but these early miles were feeling a lot more difficult than they should have. I was worried. I saw Danielle and got a short burst of energy and confidence. It didn't last long though, and each step began to felt more and more difficult. There were a couple of hills around mile 7 and 9 I believe. They took a lot out of me. I couldn't believe how badly I was feeling and I wasn't even through the first half yet. It was hard not to feel a little discouraged. My legs felt like they were fighting against me, instead of working with me as I had trained them to do. I began to slow down slightly. 

It was around mile 10 or 11 I think when Nicole ran up behind me and said hi. We hadn't actually met before that, but it was so nice of her make an effort to check in on me. She asked how I was feeling. I couldn't find any words other than not good. She gave me some words of encouragement and then ran off in to the distance. It was at this time when the thoughts of not finishing started to fill my mind. I felt awful. I don't really know how to describe exactly how I was feeling. I felt heavy...tired...drained. I felt a million times worse than I should have only 10 or 11 miles in to a 26.2 mile race running what should have been a very comfortable pace. It didn't make sense, and I couldn't believe this was happening. 

I knew Danielle would be at mile 14. Suddenly I had a very difficult decision to make. I could either go left, get myself to mile 14, throw any hopes of finishing under 4hrs out the window, focus instead on just somehow getting myself to the finish, and praying to the running Gods that Danielle would have some incredible words of encouragement to carry me through the remaining 12 miles. Or, I could turn right, and cross the finish line with the half marathoners...finishing 13.1 miles less than planned. I wasn't ready to handle a repeat of Vermont. I didn't want to suffer though a walk/slow jog/death march for 13 miles again. I already felt so terrible, I knew the second half would only be much much worse. Without even really realizing it, I found myself running to the right and seeing the finish line chute. I couldn't bring myself to look around at all the cheering spectators. All I could focus on was ground in front of me, knowing soon it would all be over. I crossed the finish line feeling more defeated than I ever have before. 

I kept walking, trying to fight back the tears. I got my bag and then started to contact Danielle or Stacey to let them know I stopped and figure out where to find them. Of course, my phone decided that would be a good time to stop working. Cue panic. Just as I was about to try to figure out how to walk over to mile 14 to hopefully find Danielle, I heard someone say my name. I turned around and saw Stacey. She gave me a hug and I burst in to tears. I was so thankful she happened to find me in that moment. My emotions took over and I couldn't hold back the tears. Thankfully Stacey had her phone and was able to get in touch with Danielle. We made our way over to her and Carolyn, who also ran the half marathon. My mind was all over the place. I was so happy for Stacey and Carolyn, who rocked their races, but so sad about what happened to me. I went back and forth between confusion, anger, defeat, and then pure sadness. I was in shock.

After standing around for a few minutes, we all started to get pretty cold and decided to make our way over to a restaurant for brunch. Bloody Mary's and mimosas (yes, plural) were just what the doctor ordered. In those moments of raw emotion, sadness, and disappointment, I was SO thankful for friends who let me try to process it all. I really don't know what I would have done without them. 

love these ladies

The rest of the day was spent on the couch watching TV, drinking tequila, and eating all the food. We met up with Abby later that night for Mexican food, and margaritas. Abby also ran, and rocked the half marathon earlier that day. While I was still really upset, and trying to figure out what happened...that day was probably one of my favorites spent in Philly. Good friends, good food, and good drinks...it doesn't get much better than that.

So...what happened? I have no idea. If anyone has had a similar experience, or has any ideas, please share them with me because I am completely clueless. It sucks.

What's next? Well, I think I will be taking a break from the marathon this spring. Instead, I will focus on shorter races and improving my half marathon time. I'm definitely stronger in the shorter distances, and I feel like I have some more untapped speed in these legs I'd like to explore. I'll probably pick a goal half for the spring and run some more 5 and 10k's leading up to it. I also plan to make and appointment to see a doctor for some blood work to try to figure out if there's something going on with my body I can work towards fixing in hopes that this won't happen again.

Am I done running marathons? Absolutely not. Most likely I'll make my return in the fall of 2015. Believing that I haven't reached my potential, is what keeps me going. Bad races are just as motivating, if not more so, than good races. I'll be back.

"Find inspiration in the place between where you are and where you want to be" -Lauren + Ro 

time to look forward to brighter days.