Thursday, July 9, 2015


Earlier this week I posted this picture on Instagram:

Underneath it I wrote, "as I look at this picture from a 5k a few weeks ago, I see someone who is 'too big.' I focus on all the parts I wish looked different. I'm trying so hard to accept my body as it is based on the daily decisions I make...because I am happy. Perfection doesn't equal happiness. But some days it's just so difficult to see past the flaws. #keepingitreal

Throughout the day I received notification after notification of people leaving the most encouraging comments about that photo and about me specifically. My heart expanded with gratitude and while I didn't respond to them individually, I read each and every one and thought a lot about the words being said. Strength, beauty, determination, and inspiring were common words in many of the comments. Many also shared similar thoughts and criticism of their own bodies...all of whom I see in the same words they used to describe my body. Why is it that we can see others as strong, beautiful, determined, inspiring...and maybe even wish our own bodies looked more like theirs. Yet, those same people have a hard time seeing that in themselves. Just as I have a hard time seeing those qualities when I look at that picture. I am fairly certain if the face on that body was someone else's, I would see the picture very differently. I certainly would not be critical of it and instead I would also celebrate its beauty, strength, and determination. 

That's f*cked up.

When I say I am trying hard to accept my body as it is based on the daily decisions I make, it's because I am well aware if I change the way I eat, count calories, and worked out even more, I could shed a few unwanted pounds. But I enjoy eating healthy 90% of time, and I enjoy relaxing with a glass of wine or staying up late on the weekends having a few drinks followed by a late night snack of whatever I can find in the apartment... unless I fall asleep on the couch first. I'm not sorry or ashamed to admit that. Going out to my favorite restaurant and enjoying wings at the bar with some cider makes me happy. Running 5 days a week so I don't feel guilty having said wings and cider makes me happy. Counting calories and overthinking every thing I eat or drink does not make me happy. I spent too many days of my life in the past doing those things and being a slave to the scale, to know it would not change my opinion of myself. Even at my thinnest, weighing 30lbs less then I do now, I never felt thin enough, and I most definitely was not happy. I was a slave to scale and the voices in my head telling me what I could and could not eat. It's not a path I ever want to find myself going down again.

So where does all this leave me? I'd say it leaves me on a much better path of continuing to work towards and find acceptance in myself for who I am, what my body looks like, and the things that make me happy. I really believe being open and transparent about my thoughts and this journey is important not only for myself but for all women who may be on a similar path. It's not an easy one to navigate, but it gets a hell of a lot easier knowing you have support and believing you're not alone.


**Keeping it real was started by total badass, sister hero and amazing Oiselle teammate, Lauren Fleshman. You can read more about it here It's worth it, I promise.**