Philly.

"You're not a true runner until you have a DNF under your belt" 

- Rebecca Trachsel, Oiselle teammate and friend

Well, after DNF'ing the Philadelphia Marathon, I guess that means I am now a true runner...according to Rebecca anyways. It's taken me a long time to find the motivation and the desire to write about what happened. I tried forgetting about it. I tried drinking tequila to numb the sadness. I tried looking on the bright side and focusing on what's ahead and not on what's in the past. But my mind keeps returning to those miles in Philly. Those miles that didn't go as planned. Those miles that lead me to the finish line of the half marathon, not the full. Those miles where I doubted everything, including myself. Those miles when my body felt like it was fighting against me. I wish I could go back and rewrite a different ending...but since I obviously can't do that, I'll write about what happened in hopes of being able to move on.

The weeks leading up to Philly went exactly as planned. Training was going great and I was feeling ready. I honestly believed I was going to cross the finish line and see 3:5x:xx on that clock. I believed I was capable (and still do). In the days leading up to the race I was feeling on edge. More so than usual before a big race. I was nervous, but excited. I had a million different thoughts and emotions running through me, and I just couldn't wait to get to that starting line.

in the midst of one of my freak outs
my incredible friend, Beth, sent this to me...
so thankful for friends who are always there to help when I need it most 

I left early on Friday morning to head to the airport where Stacey was already there waiting for me. Our flight took off at 6:30am and we were on our way to Philadelphia. Thankfully the flight wasn't full and I was able to move my seat to sick next to her. It was a quick flight and before I knew it we were landing in Philly. Danielle was there to pick us up and bring us back to her house where we would be staying for the weekend. 

Philly here we come!

Friday was spent hanging around, shopping, eating, and visiting the expo. Seeing the city helped change my nerves in to excitement. I could feel the energy and was excited to see more of the city on Sunday. It was on Friday that I started to notice a little feeling of fatigue when walking up the stairs in the subway stations and at Danielle's. It's a weird burning feeling in the muscles in my legs that I've felt before. I tried not to let it freak me out, and hoped by Sunday I would be feeling better.

Stacey and I after getting our bibs at the expo

By request, Saturday was perfectly low key. We relaxed on the couch for many hours of the day, went for a short run, then got ready to head to dinner with some other Oiselle birds who were running that weekend. It was so much fun seeing and chatting with some familiar, and some new teammates. After dinner we went back to Danielle's and I went to bed pretty early knowing Sunday morning would come quickly.

hanging with my legs up the wall trying to get 'em ready to run a marathon 

carbs, wine, water, and birds

Sunday morning my alarm went off around 4:30am. We planned to leave around 5:45 to get to the start, drop off our bags, use the port-a-potty and be ready to go by 7:00. My stomach was very uneasy all morning, but I chalked it up to race day nerves and hoped it would pass. I had decided to carry a water bottle with me and shoved my shot blocks and phone in the pocket. I've never carried a handheld during a marathon before, but thought I would give it a try. It was a cool, but perfect morning for a race. The temps were in the high 30's-low 40's. I wore my singlet, stride shorts, and gloves. I was cold waiting in the corral, but I knew I would warm up quickly. Just as the sun was coming up, it was time to go. 

waiting in the corral

Danielle was amazing and got up bright and early
to come to the start with us, ready to cheer

Stacey and I ready to go

My plan was to keep my pace around 9min miles for the first half or so and then depending on how I felt focus on holding that pace, or speeding up if I could. I was debating whether or not to wear my watch, but in the end I decided to wear it to keep myself from going out too fast. I kept an eye on my pace for the first couple of miles to make sure I was on track, then I switched the screen so I would only see the time of day. I didn't want to focus on what mile I was on or how many I had to go. A few miles in I started to feel a little cramp in my left side under my rib. Luckily, I don't usually have to fight with cramps, so this caught me by surprise. I tried to focus on my breathing, and trying to relax so hopefully it would go away. This cramp kept fighting to make its presence known. As a last resort, I ate a margarita shot block, thinking the extra salt might help? It did seem to help...at least until I felt another dull cramp creeping up on the other side. My stomach still didn't feel right either. I tried to switch my focus and look at everything around me, the crowds, the buildings, and knowing I would see Danielle at mile 6. 

Each time my watch would beep and display the pace, I would look at it to check to see if I was still on target. For the most part I was, but these early miles were feeling a lot more difficult than they should have. I was worried. I saw Danielle and got a short burst of energy and confidence. It didn't last long though, and each step began to felt more and more difficult. There were a couple of hills around mile 7 and 9 I believe. They took a lot out of me. I couldn't believe how badly I was feeling and I wasn't even through the first half yet. It was hard not to feel a little discouraged. My legs felt like they were fighting against me, instead of working with me as I had trained them to do. I began to slow down slightly. 

It was around mile 10 or 11 I think when Nicole ran up behind me and said hi. We hadn't actually met before that, but it was so nice of her make an effort to check in on me. She asked how I was feeling. I couldn't find any words other than not good. She gave me some words of encouragement and then ran off in to the distance. It was at this time when the thoughts of not finishing started to fill my mind. I felt awful. I don't really know how to describe exactly how I was feeling. I felt heavy...tired...drained. I felt a million times worse than I should have only 10 or 11 miles in to a 26.2 mile race running what should have been a very comfortable pace. It didn't make sense, and I couldn't believe this was happening. 

I knew Danielle would be at mile 14. Suddenly I had a very difficult decision to make. I could either go left, get myself to mile 14, throw any hopes of finishing under 4hrs out the window, focus instead on just somehow getting myself to the finish, and praying to the running Gods that Danielle would have some incredible words of encouragement to carry me through the remaining 12 miles. Or, I could turn right, and cross the finish line with the half marathoners...finishing 13.1 miles less than planned. I wasn't ready to handle a repeat of Vermont. I didn't want to suffer though a walk/slow jog/death march for 13 miles again. I already felt so terrible, I knew the second half would only be much much worse. Without even really realizing it, I found myself running to the right and seeing the finish line chute. I couldn't bring myself to look around at all the cheering spectators. All I could focus on was ground in front of me, knowing soon it would all be over. I crossed the finish line feeling more defeated than I ever have before. 

I kept walking, trying to fight back the tears. I got my bag and then started to contact Danielle or Stacey to let them know I stopped and figure out where to find them. Of course, my phone decided that would be a good time to stop working. Cue panic. Just as I was about to try to figure out how to walk over to mile 14 to hopefully find Danielle, I heard someone say my name. I turned around and saw Stacey. She gave me a hug and I burst in to tears. I was so thankful she happened to find me in that moment. My emotions took over and I couldn't hold back the tears. Thankfully Stacey had her phone and was able to get in touch with Danielle. We made our way over to her and Carolyn, who also ran the half marathon. My mind was all over the place. I was so happy for Stacey and Carolyn, who rocked their races, but so sad about what happened to me. I went back and forth between confusion, anger, defeat, and then pure sadness. I was in shock.

After standing around for a few minutes, we all started to get pretty cold and decided to make our way over to a restaurant for brunch. Bloody Mary's and mimosas (yes, plural) were just what the doctor ordered. In those moments of raw emotion, sadness, and disappointment, I was SO thankful for friends who let me try to process it all. I really don't know what I would have done without them. 

love these ladies

The rest of the day was spent on the couch watching TV, drinking tequila, and eating all the food. We met up with Abby later that night for Mexican food, and margaritas. Abby also ran, and rocked the half marathon earlier that day. While I was still really upset, and trying to figure out what happened...that day was probably one of my favorites spent in Philly. Good friends, good food, and good drinks...it doesn't get much better than that.

So...what happened? I have no idea. If anyone has had a similar experience, or has any ideas, please share them with me because I am completely clueless. It sucks.

What's next? Well, I think I will be taking a break from the marathon this spring. Instead, I will focus on shorter races and improving my half marathon time. I'm definitely stronger in the shorter distances, and I feel like I have some more untapped speed in these legs I'd like to explore. I'll probably pick a goal half for the spring and run some more 5 and 10k's leading up to it. I also plan to make and appointment to see a doctor for some blood work to try to figure out if there's something going on with my body I can work towards fixing in hopes that this won't happen again.

Am I done running marathons? Absolutely not. Most likely I'll make my return in the fall of 2015. Believing that I haven't reached my potential, is what keeps me going. Bad races are just as motivating, if not more so, than good races. I'll be back.

"Find inspiration in the place between where you are and where you want to be" -Lauren + Ro 

time to look forward to brighter days.

four weeks to Philly

Four more weeks until I will be running around the streets of Philadelphia. This is both exciting and terrifying. While I don't feel ready yet...I do think I will be with a few more weeks of miles under my legs and Hokas. I finished this week at 47.4 miles total. While I'm not 100% sure, I am pretty confident that is my highest mileage week ever. It definitely is the highest of this training cycle. I felt pretty good all week with the exception of Saturday's long run. I managed to catch a pretty good cold at the end of last week, just in time for a planned 20 mile run. Other than that small set back, I had a really great week of training. I'm hoping more miles will equal more confidence come race day.

sometimes you just have to stop and take a picture
of the leaves and your matching hokas

I haven't been posting a whole lot about my training lately, but I thought with four weeks left to go, I'd post a recap of each week leading up to the Marathon. So, here we go:

October 20-26

Monday: OFF

Tuesday: 10 x 1 min on, 1 min off @ 10k pace with 15 min warm up and cool down - 5.4 miles total. I always like this workout. I did all 10 slightly faster than 10k pace.

Wednesday: 40-50 min easy on the schedule. I ran 56 min easy for a total of 6 miles. My coach told me if I feel good on these easy days that I can go a little longer than what's on the schedule. I've been trying to do this whenever I feel up for it.

Thursday: 8 x mile @ MP with 1 min rest - 11 miles total with warm up and cool down. I was a little unsure of how this one would go. I had to work early that day (5:30am-2), which meant I'd have to run after work. Running after work is not something I enjoy, and typically feels pretty sluggish. It was also rainy and super windy that day. I told myself I have no idea what the weather could be like on race day, and if I got through this workout in unfavorable conditions, it would only help me if the weather on November 23 isn't the best. I've also been feeling like I've had a bit of a mental block or something during marathon pace workouts. They always feel harder than I feel they should, and I'm usually left questioning myself and my ability. I've been doing some longer track workouts this cycle at MP, which have been going really well. I told myself if I could do 1200's I was capable of doing these mile repeats (just one more time around the track is how I mentally prepped myself). In addition to everything mentioned above, Thursday was when I started feeling my cold coming on. I planned to start slow with my warmup and see how I felt. I knew I could stop at any point, and I would if need be, but I wanted to give it a try. After a lot of mental prep, I slowly ran out to one of my favorite places to run, Horn Pond, and started my workout. I felt amazing. Every mile felt better than the last. Even as the wind and rain continued to soak me from head to toe, I was so happy to be out there, killing this workout. Huge confidence boost after that one.

one of the trails at Horn Pond...it never disappoints

Friday: OFF - Friday's are typically rest days for me, but I was especially happy for this rest day because I woke up feeling pretty sick and run down. I stayed home from work and spent the day on the couch.

sick day on the couch made better by the delivery
of these amazing moto lesley tights 

Saturday: I wanted to do my long run on Saturday because we were going to a wedding in NH Saturday night. I knew a long run on Sunday would be out of the question. I got up at 5:30 to try and get through 20 miles before we needed to leave. I hardly slept that night for some reason and woke up sneezing and sniffling like crazy. I took some DayQuil and prepped like I normally would for a long run. I figured I'd give it a try and if I wasn't feeling it, I'd cut it short. The first few miles felt tough, but then I got in to a bit of a groove around miles 6-12. Then suddenly at mile 12 I knew 20 would be a stretch that day. I slowed my pace way down and got through 18. I was disappointed I didn't make it to 20, but my body forced me to listen.

Sunday: 40-45 min easy on the schedule. Thankfully I felt much better today, though surprising considering I danced the night away Saturday night at the wedding. I wanted to run a few extra miles to make up for what I couldn't do Saturday, so I would still end the week around 47 miles. I felt a little tired, but generally good. I kept the pace slow and enjoyed a beautiful fall day in New England.

Right now I'm feeling ready to go in to the next 4 weeks. I'm excited to get another shot at a 20 mile run next weekend (IN NEW YORK!) and 22 miles (YIKES) the following weekend. I feel like I'll be more prepared for this marathon and I'm loving the training process. I really feel like some good things are to come.

Sunday funday beautiful rainbow

next stop...PHILLY!

After a not so great first half of the year racing, the second half has been a big improvement and a big confidence boost. I've ran a couple PR's, most recently at the Smuttynose Half Marathon, and training has been steadily improving. All good things! Now I've just got to keep this train moving forward for 6 more weeks and I'm golden. If only it were that simple.

flying high at the Smuttynose Half

I've decided not to race anymore between now and November 23. I feel like this will allow me to really focus on my training and make sure I get enough long runs in as well as ample recovery time. This is something I didn't do for Newport RI or Vermont City. I'm hoping it will help me feel more rested, prepared, and ready to fly come race day. 

Why Philly? 

I've been asked this question a few times recently. When Vermont City didn't go so well, I initially thought I would take some time off from running marathons. I scared myself when I finished overheated, dehydrated, and landed myself in the medical tent. However, it's amazing how just a few days rest can get you thinking about the next one. 

My first thought was that I would run something new, but close to home. I thought about running the Baystate Marathon, which is known for being flat and fast. It sounded like a good idea. But the more I thought about it, the less excited I became. I felt like I wanted something a little later in the year (Baystate is actually this weekend, October 19). The slight possibility of a warm day in October was enough to steer me away. I couldn't handle another unexpectedly warm weekend like VT. I also felt like I wanted a little extra time in between marathons to feel more mentally prepared. 

During the time I was trying to decide what to do, I saw some chatter on twitter from a few Oiselle teammates who were running the Philadelphia Marathon or Half Marathon. This got me thinking. I've been wanting to travel for a race, and while Philly isn't too far from Boston, it would require me getting on a plane...or getting comfy in a car for many hours. I would have the opportunity to race with, meet, and spend time with some birds I've met IRL, and others I've only "met" through social media. I quickly became very excited about the possibility. I reached out to Danielle, who was one of my amazing Ragnar teammates back in May, and who also happens to live in Philadelphia. So Danielle, when you said I was welcome to come visit anytime, you really meant that, right? Ok good. After a few emails back and forth, and the reassurance that Philly was Danielle's favorite marathon, I clicked register and started searching the internet for flights. I was fired up and ready to tackle the marathon once again.

Carolyn, myself, and Danielle...can't wait to be reunited with these ladies next month

The next few weeks of training look pretty intense, complete with two 20 mile runs, and a 22 miler. I was admittedly terrified when I first saw that. After some time to digest and think about it, I'm more excited than terrified, and I know I will be much more prepared this time around. I'm coming for you, Philly! 

Have you ran the Philadelphia Marathon? What was your experience like?

Vermont City Marathon

This post is one that was very hard to write.  I'm not really sure I've even completely wrapped my head around what happened yet, or if I will.  All I can hope is to move on learning something from yet another marathon that gave me such high hopes at the start, only to finish very short of my expectations.  Sure, bad races happen, I am no stranger to them.  But multiple big goal races that don't go as planned, or even come close to reflecting the training I put in, is a little hard to swallow.  I don't want this to turn in to a negative woe-is-me post, so I'll try to focus on the positives of the weekend.

We went up to Burlington, VT on Saturday morning.  We stopped at the expo to get my number before heading to my friend's house where we were staying.  The plan was to have a pasta dinner that night and get to bed early.  We walked down to the store, got everything we needed, met up with my mom on Church Street to say hi, and then headed back to the house.

If you've never been to Church St, you should.

We had a great dinner, and I was the first to head to bed around 9:30.  My alarm went off Sunday morning at 5:30am.  I got up, made coffee, and sat on the couch for bit to wake up.  I made my usual breakfast of a GF bagel with peanut butter and a banana, drank some Nuun, and sipped on my coffee.  Before I knew it it was time to get dressed and head out the door.

Mary (running the first half of a 2 person relay)
and myself ready to go

The start was less than a half a mile from where my friend lives, so we walked down to Battery Park where there were already thousands of people getting ready to run.  I waited in line for a porta-potty, stretched a little, and then lined up right by the 4:00 hour pace group.  I thought it would be good to start with them in sight, even though I still had every intention of running my own race.  I noticed right away the sun felt warm.  I tried not to think too much of it.  I took a few deep breaths, started my music, and waited for the gun to go off.  It was time.  

My plan was to run the first half between 9:00 and 9:10/mile pace and then try to cut down between 8:55-9:00 for the second half (**side note, I haven't looked at my garmin or my paces, I'm not sure I ever will).  The streets were packed with runners and spectators lining the side.  It was incredible.  The support and crowds were awesome.  It was a great way to relax my mind and not overthink what I was doing.  I kept reminding myself, "don't think, just run."  The first 3 miles were a loop around town, and then we headed to an out and back stretch on a highway.  It was then that I noticed the sun continuing to get warmer, and no shade in sight.  I don't do well in the heat, so I knew I would need to stay on top of hydration to make sure I could get through the race without any problems.  I alternated between water and gatorade at each water stop, slowing down to make sure I could drink enough.  My legs felt strong and I felt very confident that I could hold the pace for the duration of the race.  

feeling strong and happy to be running

My cheering/support crew (Ryan, my mom, and brother) had planned to see me at mile 9, which was just after the out and back.  Ryan had bottles of water for me that I could take if needed so I didn't have to carry my handheld the whole way.  Right before I saw them I noticed I was sweating a lot and starting to feel really warm.  I thought it would be a good idea to grab a bottle of water while I had the chance.  It's always so great seeing them along the course.

Thanks!

It wasn't very long after that when I started to feel pretty off.  I almost felt like I could feel my breakfast in my throat.  I felt nauseous and then felt a little lightheaded.  I was hoping it would pass.  I was still right on pace to finish under 4 hours and I didn't want to lose that.  Unfortunately, as the miles went on, I continued to feel more uncomfortable.  I took a couple shot blocks thinking maybe I needed the energy.  It didn't help.  I was approaching the half way point and I knew Mary would be there waiting for me to run by.  I actually thought in my head at that point, that I was done.  I didn't feel well, I was extremely warm, and started to comes to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to finish this thing.  I was devastated.

I made it to the half way point and frantically searched for Mary.  I spotted her and ran over, stopping when I got to her.  She asked how I was feeling and I said not good.  I said I was nauseous and didn't feel right.  I told her I didn't know if I could make it.  She asked me how much of it I thought was in my mind and how much of it was real.  I couldn't tell.  I started running.  I knew I would see my family again around mile 15 by the biggest hill of the race.  I thought I would try to keep going and depending on how I felt when I saw them, I would make a decision then.  I know this is not exactly a good way to run a marathon, but I just didn't feel right.  I couldn't tell what was wrong, but I knew something was. My legs still felt strong, but the rest of my body did not.

As I approached the hill, there were some drummers at the bottom, and huge crowds along both sides of the course.  The energy was contagious.  I saw my family and ran over to them.  Ryan asked me how I was feeling and the only thing I could say was not good.  I asked for more water and shot blocks.  He frantically tried to search his bag for them, but I told him not to rush because the 4hr goal was no longer a reality.  At this point it was just a matter of finishing, which I still felt unsure of.  I took what I needed and shuffled my way up the hill.

This is where things get fuzzy.  We went through some neighborhoods.  I looked for a porta-potty.  My stomach was in knots.  I didn't see one anywhere.  I ran/walked on, stopping at every water stop to drink some, and pour some in to my water bottle to take with me.  Some of the houses in the neighborhoods had sprinklers set up by the street, some people were holding squirt guns.  To those people, thank you.  The sun was relentless and shade was scarce.  The miles ticked on, and I watched the time on my watch grow higher and higher.  I remember going down to the bike path and knowing there were only 4 more miles to go.  4 miles felt like 20.  I remember catching a glimpse of the lake and thinking it was beautiful.  I remember running by a field and seeing a pug trotting through the dandelions around mile 25.  I cried.  I remember seeing the 26 mile marker and picking up my pace.  At least I could walk away knowing I started and finished strong, even though I'd like to forget what happened in between.  I remember taking the last turn on to the grass, seeing my family once again, and then finally seeing the finish line.

Once I crossed the finish line, I frantically searched to find my family.  There were so many people.  Everywhere.  I felt weak, and dizzy.  I finally found them, as well as a spot in the shade.  I braced myself on a tree for a few minutes.  I still felt nauseous.  I tried to walk around and move hoping it would help me feel better.  I drank some water.  Eventually, I thought I was feeling ok enough to walk back to my friend's house.

As we started to walk, I started to feel worse.  I suddenly felt like I really needed to use the bathroom.  We were walking right by one, so I stumbled in.  Thankfully my mom followed me.  I started to feel incredibly dizzy and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, I was super pale.  My mom asked me if I was ok. I said no and that I didn't feel right.  She grabbed me, brought me outside, and yelled to Ryan that they needed to get me to the med tent.  So off we went.

I had my arm around Ryan and felt like I could barely hold myself up.  Everything was spinning, my ears were ringing, my hands were tingling, and I felt like I was slurring my words.  Once we got to the med tent, they put me on a cot, and took my vital signs.  My blood pressure was pretty low, even lying down.  I felt like I just needed fluids.  They offered to give me an IV, but said it would take at least a half hour to get started.  So I asked for gatorade and water instead (at first they said I couldn't have anything to drink, but since I had recently peed they let me have some).  As I laid there, cautiously sipping my drinks, I very slowly started to feel better.  Then the cramping started, in my hips, and then in my back.  A very nice girl came over to stretch and massage me while I continued to try to drink.  Ryan stayed right by my side in the tent, giving frequent updates to my mom who was having a nervous breakdown outside (they only let one person in with you, unfortunately).  It took a while, but eventually I felt well enough to try to go back to my friend's house.  My mom went and got the car to drive me back instead of trying to walk again.

We had a BBQ planned for after the race, I had been so excited for it.  The BBQ happened, while I spent the day on the couch in a haze.  I didn't feel quite right for the rest of the day.  I felt dizzy from time to time, and felt like I had been hit and run over by a very large bus.  All I could stomach was a concoction of fluids.  It was not exactly the way I wanted to spend the day trying to get over what happened during the race.

Thankfully when I woke up on Monday, most of the fog had cleared and I was feeling much better physically.  Mentally, it was a different story.  Once my brain was capable of functioning again, I felt the extreme letdown and disappointment of what happened.  Once again I was left feeling like I had been capable and trained for so much more.  We walked down to church street again for some coffee, and then said goodbye to Vermont.

I do love VT...
and this was my favorite marathon course so far.
If you're thinking about running it, I would highly recommend it.

I realize being able to say I have now finished three marathons, is a huge accomplishment in itself.  I really do.  However, when the goal is no longer 'just' to finish, the accomplishment can easily be overshadowed by the disappointment of not reaching your goal.  I know I can do it though.  I know I can run a sub 4 hour marathon and I know I will run that marathon some day.  I hoped it would happen in Vermont, but it didn't.  However, I will continue to hope, work and believe in myself and my goals until it does.

And when it does?  Then I'll have even bigger goals to work toward.        

  

Race Week

If you had asked me after I finished my first marathon in the fall of 2007 if I would run another one, I probably would have laughed in your face.  Actually, I think my response may have been that I would be sticking to half marathons, because they were long enough to be a challenge, but not long enough to kill you.  Apparently I thought the marathon was a death sentence.  Fast forward 6 years to October, 2013, and I was ready to give the marathon  another shot.  I had high hopes of breaking 4hrs, but it just wasn't in the cards for me that day.  This time around, I was already thinking of my next marathon before I crossed the finish line.  I learned so much that day, and I knew I was capable of more than what the time on the clock said.  

Now, seven months later, I find myself at the start of another marathon race week.  The butterflies have started.  The thoughts of excitement, followed by oh crap this is happening have flooded my mind.  I feel ready, and confident based on my training, but refuse to forget what a beast he marathon is, and respect it for that.

Goal: Finish under 4 hrs.

Plan: To run my own race.  

In the fall I made the mistake of running with a friend, who was going to try to pace me to a sub 4hr finish.  She is a much fast runner than me, and instead of just trying to finish sub 4 she was aiming for closer to 3:50.  It's like I almost forgot just how long a marathon is, and even though I felt great! in the first half...I still had a whole second half to go.  It didn't end well.  I think because of that disaster, I have a better understanding and appreciation of the marathon distance, as well as what my body is capable of.  A few of my friends are running this race, Lori is running the full marathon, and 3 of my friends are running it as a relay.  My friend, Mary, told me recently she had the option of running the first half or the second half, and asked if I would like company at the start (the 2 other girls are running the second half).  I told her that I would love the company at the start, but as soon as we crossed that starting line, I would be focused on myself.  I ran Boston's Run to Remember last May with Mary, and she likes to go out fast and pass as many people as possible at the start.  We agreed this time there would be no weaving for me.  I will remain focused on the end result.

Hydration:  This is a big concern for me.  I sweat.  A lot.  Because of that, I need to drink a lot while running long distances.  Obviously, that increases when it's warm.  The weather for Sunday as of now, says 76 and sunny.  That's warm.  I can't decide if I want to carry my handheld water bottle or rely on the water stops.  I've been looking at the course and it looks like we will run by the start and finish area 3 times throughout the race.  This is comforting because I can have Ryan, who will be there to cheer me on, have multiple water bottles ready to go.  

looks like we pass through this area around mile 3, 9, and 15

Fuel: This is another concern of mine.  I usually bring shot blocks with me during my training runs, and those work well.  However, in the fall I remember getting to mile 18 or so and feeling like I needed more than just the shot blocks.  I got to a water stop that also had bananas and ended up eating one because I desperately felt like I needed something.  I'm thinking of brining a picky bar to have available to eat if I feel like I need more than the shot blocks again.  Picky bars are easy on my stomach, and easy to digest.  I think it would be great mid-race fuel if needed.  

Mantra: I am strong. I am capable. I believe.      

Last weekend I ran Ragnar Cape Cod.  I was nervous that it could potentially impact my training in a negative way.  I was wrong.  The relay gave me confidence that my legs can still run when both physically and mentally tired.  I was both motivated and inspired by my teammates, which is something you can't get from multiple months of training (mostly) on your own.  The way I felt after that weekend was the inspiration for my first mantra.  

I am strong. I am capable. I believe. 

This week I'll be trying to relax, recover, and hydrate as much as possible.  Tapering is always fun (umm no) but with an upcoming move to Boston, I have plenty to do to keep me busy.  I'm coming for you, Vermont.  Bring it on. 

If you want to track me, you can do so here.  I am number 3071.  

Tell me, have you done the VT City Marathon??  What did you think? 

two timer

This post is a little difficult for me to write.  I was hoping I could write all about how I crushed my goal and finished the United Healthcare Marathon in under 4 hrs.  I was hoping I could write about how I felt great and followed the plan.  I was hoping I could write about how excited and happy I am about finishing my second marathon.  Well, unfortunately, that is not the case.  I am happy I finished my second marathon.  I am happy that I reached my second goal of a new PR.  But there are many more things I am unhappy about, and unfortunately that is what's on my mind right now.  Usually I try to be positive about the result of a race whether I felt it was good or bad.  I know I am still learning and have a LOT to learn.  I know I still have a lot of growing to do as a runner.  I feel like I have a lot of potential.  But right now I'm having a hard time with falling short of my sub 4 hr marathon goal.  

Here's how the weekend went.  Saturday we headed down to RI around noon.  My boyfriend and I picked up my friend, Julie, who would be running her second half marathon as well.  The plan was to meet up with a couple of my other friends, who were also running the race, at the expo in Newport.  We got there around 2:30 and picked up our numbers.  The expo was in a tent right on the beach.  It was beautiful.  We played in the sand for a bit before making a trip to the grocery store.

a feather to match my shirt

After going to the grocery store, all 6 of us went over to my dad's house in Tiverton, where we were all staying.  He and my stepmom made a delicious pasta dinner for all of us.  We had some wine, hydrated, relaxed, and went to bed early.

At 4:30 am my alarm went off.  I didn't sleep well that night, so I had a little trouble getting my butt out of bed.  I always try to give myself plenty of time before the race to have coffee, wake up, and choke down some food.  Just before 7 we loaded up the cars and headed over the the marathon parking at Second Beach.  We had to take a bus over to the start of the race at Easton's Beach.  After visiting the porta-potties, we lined up and got ready to go.  My stomach was in knots.  I was super nervous but excited it was finally time.  

Monica, Beth, myself, and Julie before the start

My plan originally was to stay around 9 min/mile pace for the first part of the race.  If I felt good, then I would start to run a little faster.  However, my friend, Beth (who is typically MUCH faster than me) said she would run with me and help me reach my goal of sub 4 hrs.  She thought I was capable of finishing around 3:50, so planned to run around an 8:45 pace.  I went with it.  BIG MISTAKE.   

Through the first half of the race I felt pretty good.  My legs were burning a little, but there were a few hills, and I was hoping I would be able to recover.  I got caught up in the excitement, the people, and the amazing views.  Our paces ranged from 8:30-9 min.  I was feeling optimistic.  

One of the beautiful Newport beaches 

so many amazing views on the water

This race has a half marathon option.  Those doing the full and the half run the same course, and then those doing the full continue on.  We ran next to the finish line for the half.  We heard all the names being announced of those finishing.  We saw all the people cheering for those finishing the half and those cheering for the rest of us who were crazy enough to run another 13.1 miles.  Once we passed through this area and turned the corner for the second part of the course, my mind began to race.  I suddenly couldn't believe I had to run another 13.1 miles.  I wanted to turn around and be done.  My body felt tired, my stomach was nauseous, I had a lump in my throat, and I freaked out.  The words "I can't do this" actually left my mouth.  I started walking.  My mind and my body were not cooperating.  I really started to believe I might not actually finish this thing.  What the hell was happening to me?!      

Thankfully, Beth was there to keep me going.  She said some encouraging words and urged me to keep going.  I wanted to punch her in the face at the time, but was so grateful to have her there.  The next few miles I continued to walk/run and struggled to keep moving forward.  I thought of the quote I wear on my wrist from Kara Goucher, "A step forward, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction. Keep believing."  I kept moving forward.  

At this point, I think around mile 16, I told my friend to go ahead.  She was fully capable of finishing the way we had planned.  I didn't want to hold her back and knew I was going to struggle through the remaining 10+ miles.  She made me promise her I would finish the race no matter what.  I made that promise and then watched as she ran ahead in to the distance until I could no longer see her anymore.  I was crushed.  This wasn't how this race was supposed to go.  I was supposed to be running along side her and finishing the race next to her.  Once I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to finish under 4 hrs, I readjusted my plan and focused on my second goal of finishing with a new PR, which was still very much within reach.  

The last 10 miles weren't pretty, but I got through them.  I walked through each water stop and made sure to drink as much as I could.  I felt like I needed more fuel.  The shot blocks I had just weren't cutting it that day.  I needed something.  I grabbed a banana from one of the tables (what?!).  I drank some more water and gatorade and told myself to just keep moving forward.  My stomach was still hurting.  I questioned making a bathroom stop, but the thought of squatting in a porta-potty with how tired my legs were helped me make the decision not to.  The second half of the course had many more long, unforgiving hills than the first.  Running downhill started to become just as hard as running up.  I continued to make my way through the miles, very slowly.  It wasn't pretty.  

As I started to climb the last hill around mile 24 I tried to pick up the pace a little.  I started to picture all my friends and family at the finish line waiting for me.  I knew they all would be proud of me, even though I made them wait for me at the finish longer than planned.  Finally, I turned the corner just before mile 26 and saw the white tent at Easton's Beach.  I heard the cheers and the announcer announcing the names of those finishing, this time for the full marathon.  I felt my legs start to run faster.  I saw my family just before the last turn heading for the finish.  I turned the last corner and immediately heard the announcer say my name.  I saw my friends and my boyfriend all cheering for me.  I gave it all I had through the finish.  

 

giving it all I had

crossing the finish line

I finally crossed the finish line in 4 hours, 19 minutes, and 17 seconds.  A new PR by over 20 minutes.  I was very happy I didn't give up when I thought I was going to.  I fought through and finished the race, even though I knew my big goal was no longer in reach.  I won the battle with my mind when it told me I couldn't do it.  I am happy to say I have completed 2 marathons.  

Yesterday I felt ok about what happened.  I was upset obviously, but was happy I didn't give up.  Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about the race and what happened.  I couldn't stop thinking about what could have happened if I had done it differently.  What could have happened if I stuck to my original plan and didn't run with my friend.  Today those thoughts have continued to run through my head.  I wish I had run my own race and followed MY plan.  My biggest fear was going out too fast, and not enjoying the later miles because of it.  My biggest fear became reality yesterday.  

Of course, with any disappointment, there can always me a million what ifs.  I've shed a few tears and am now trying to work through the disappointment and focus on the fact that I crossed the finish line over 20 min faster than I did when I ran my first marathon in 2007.  I think the hardest part is that I really believe I am capable of more, and I wasn't able to prove it yesterday.  

So, I didn't reach my big goal...now what?  Another marathon.  Disappointment is all part of the process.  I guess I can't win them all (although that would be pretty cool, huh?).  I'm giving myself a couple of days to be bummed and upset, and then it's time to move on and focus on the next.  Now I have a better understanding of what to do and what not to do.  I know I can get there.  It's just going to take a little longer than I had hoped.                                  

almost time to run a marathon!

I almost can't believe the marathon is only 2 days away!  However, the constant butterflies in my stomach are a good reminder.  I also had my first ever marathon nightmare last night.  I think it's safe to say I have marathon brain.  I'll be lucky if I can remember much of anything else today.

I have been on vacation this week, which has been great.  I have been taking full advantage of not running all the time, and not working either.  Here's a quick recap of the week:

Saturday:  I met up with Stephanie to do a 12 mile run.  On the schedule was 5 easy, 5 @ MP and 2 easy.  You can read Stephanie's recap of the run here.  Unfortunately, she didn't have the best of days.  But I finished that run feeling great and ready to tackle a marathon.  After we finished running I went to cheer on my friends running the Applefest Half Marathon.  One of my friends, Julie, was running her first half.  It was so exciting to see her finish!!  

cheering is almost as fun as racing!

After the race we all went apple picking at a local apple orchard.  It was a lot of fun!

never too old to climb a tree!

I couldn't resist playing in the sunflowers 

Sunday:  Easy 50 min run followed by watching the Patriots game. 

Monday: REST 

Tuesday:  Tuesday was supposed to be 15 min warm up, 2 x 200m, 3 min recovery, 2 mi @ HMP, 3 min recovery, fast 800, 15 min cool down.  This run was a bit of a disaster.  The 200's were ok, but I just felt off.  My breathing was heavy from the start and my legs didn't feel like running.  I had to stop and walk during the 2 miles at half marathon pace, and the 800 was anything but fast.  I felt defeated.  It's was not exactly the run I wanted the week before the marathon.  Thankfully, I had some friends to talk me off the ledge and assure me this is normal.  

Wednesday: 30 min w/ 4 x 100m strides.  Thankfully my body decided to cooperate for this run.  After running we took a trip up to Burlington, VT for the night.  I have some friends who live up there and wanted to visit.  I had only been to Burlington once before, but didn't really remember it, and the BF had never been.  Holy crap, Burlington is beautiful!!  The entire drive up I was in awe of the amazing views of the mountains.  We spent the afternoon walking around, enjoying VT beers and cider, and the delicious food.  I was blown away. 

Lake Champlain

Enjoying a cider at The Farmhouse

Gorgeous sunset

  

Thursday:  I was able to run in Burlington before heading home to NH.  I had 15 min warm up, 3 min medium effort, 2 min medium-hard, and 1 min hard with 3 min easy jogging in between each, 15 min cool down.  I ran down to the lake and along a bike path.  It was absolutely beautiful!  The run itself felt pretty good, although I probably stopped a few too many times to take pictures.  I fell in love with VT.

TAKE ME BACK

Friday:  REST.  Today is a rest day.  It's 11:23 and I haven't gotten off the couch yet.  I fully embrace the rest days.  Today I have to pack for Rhode Island, paint my nails, clean the house, and decide what I am going to wear.  I have NO idea what to wear.  Well, that's not true...I have a few options, but it's causing me serious anxiety.  The forecast as of right now looks pretty perfect though: 60 degrees and 20% chance of rain.  I'll take it!

Tomorrow my friends and I are traveling down to RI.  I plan to do a 20 min easy run before heading down and then wrapping myself in compression gear for the remainder of the day.  One of my friends is running the full marathon with me.  To my surprise she told me last night she planned to run with me and help me reach my goal of sub-4hrs.  She is a super speedy runner, but apparently hasn't had time to put in the training she'd like.  So she graciously agreed to pace me.  I seriously can't thank her enough.  My step brother is also running the full, and 3 of my friends are running the half marathon.  I am so grateful for all the support and know it's going to help tremendously.  

Bring it on, Rhode Island!  I'm ready for you.